The Reason for the Season

As 2019 draws to a close, and we start bundling up in our sweaters and coats, we’ve all got our eyes on a very special upcoming holiday. The colors, the celebrations, the fellowship, and yes, even the church service.

Obviously, I’m talking about everyone’s favorite winter holiday: St. Patrick’s Day. A Christian feast day held on the traditional anniversary of the death of Ireland’s patron saint. People worldwide celebrate this solemn occasion by pounding drinks, wearing bright green, and trying to bone strangers. I’ve decided to spend this issue telling you all about my St. Patrick’s Day traditions and personal guidelines. If you have any of your own, please reach out to me on all social media @danwestcomedy, I love finding new ways to celebrate.

First and foremost, definitely go out somewhere. I used to stay home, thinking it was a safer way to party. Driving seemed like asking for trouble on a big drinking holiday, so I opted to stay home and have a few people come over. But that presented a problem: I live in an apartment and now my neighbors hate me. I don’t get invited to the barbecues, and it really hurts my feelings. Plus, I had to clean up after the party, and it’s hard to find a stranger to take home if you already know everyone there except the dates your friends brought. (Author’s note: It is bad form to have sex with your friend’s date, and yelling “It seemed like a good idea at the time” does not make it better.) It also tends to be cheaper to go out, because even if you tell people to bring something to drink, as party host you still need to have the basics covered so you don’t look like an ass when the first people show up.

Second, when planning your night out… don’t go to an Irish pub. Pubs are amazing, and you should frequent them more than almost any other kind of bar. But on St. Patrick’s Day, pubs are going to be slammed and uncomfortable, and that’s going to cut down on how much you can drink. My suggestion is to find a friend with a house having a party, or find a good dive bar with a jukebox. A good jukebox will let you turn any bar into a pub. There’ll be a good crowd at just about any bar on St. Patrick’s Day, so avoiding the pubs will allow you to maximize your drinking time without sacrificing your party atmosphere.

Third, make sure you’re ordering the specialty cocktails and shooters the bar has on special. They’ve done the prep work to make sure they’re prepared to make these drinks quickly and in great volume, so you’ll get your drinks faster and with better consistency. A lot of bars will bring in a couple of extra servers or bartenders for the night, and these are people with less experience. They’ll have practiced these specialty drinks, whereas they may not have the experience necessary to make a Harvey Wallbanger. (Author’s note: At this point, I’m going to keep making fun of the Harvey Wallbanger just because it annoys Paul.)

Finally, take a cab (or Lyft, if you’re younger and cooler than me). Having a designated driver is cool, but it’s even better to let everyone party. Seriously, nobody wants to be the DD on St. Patrick’s Day. Even if they don’t drink, being the sober one around a group of holiday drunks is a pain in the ass. So instead, annoy a stranger, and make up for it by giving them money. It helps.

“Dan, I really enjoyed the tips included here, but it kinda seems like you skipped Christmas.” Now you know how I feel when you start your bullshit Christmas preparations before Thanksgiving. Cut it out. This issue’s drink recipe is a St. Patrick’s Day-themed shooter called a Shamrock Shooter. It’s easy to make, and stronger than it tastes. Plus, it’ll totally make your puke green so the party doesn’t have to stop when you get sick!

• Combine 2 oz Midori, .5 oz Irish whiskey, and .5 oz Irish creme in a shaker with ice
• Shake until chilled
• Strain into shot glass (should fill 4 glasses to 3/4 full)
• Top with whipped cream