Holiday Parties

Hey there gang, it’s been a while!

As we approach the holiday season again, I want to touch on a few important topics to remember. We’re all getting older, with the exception of Dorian Gray, and it’s important to conduct yourself appropriately.

Last year, when I wrote about drinking during the holidays, it was mostly about going out and partying. I included helpful tips about costume accessories, making reservations, and fancy holiday drink orders. Those rules are still important, but I want to add a few rules for those of you who find yourselves at more “grown-up” gatherings.

Work Parties

First, if you’re going to a work holiday party, control yourself. I’m not saying don’t get drunk (God, can you imagine if I said that?), what I’m saying is keep it under control. Don’t be the drunkest person there. Hell, don’t be in the top five drunkest people there. And don’t be drunker than everyone of a higher pay grade than you.

When I worked at a doctor’s office, I went to a holiday party. My immediate supervisor didn’t drink, but three of the doctors were absolutely hammered. That was my indicator that I could cut loose a little bit. I still had to keep it somewhat under control because my boss wasn’t drinking, but I didn’t have to be a complete prude about it. However, on a different occasion, I was working security for a major defense contractor’s Christmas party on a decommissioned U.S. Navy vessel. Everyone had a few drinks, but nobody was really feeling it except one woman who threw up down a stairwell. She was escorted out, and we called her a cab. She didn’t face any disciplinary action for this; it was a company party, they’d provided the booze. But for the rest of her time at the company, everyone knew she’d defiled a ship that had once been used to fight Nazis.

Non-Work Parties

The rules are a little less strict if you’re going to a family or friend’s house for a holiday party, but you still need to keep it cool. You’re a guest in someone’s home, you maniac. Don’t get so drunk you’re breaking things or making a mess, unless it’s a family member you don’t like, or a friend you’re okay with losing.

Phone Safety

In addition to keeping your cool at a non-work holiday party, you also need to put your phone away. The holidays are a hard time if you’re single, and you may very well be tempted to contact an ex or to drunkenly misinterpret that one time your boss told you that you look nice. You should never drunk-text someone you don’t socialize with regularly, but you especially shouldn’t during the holidays. Nothing good comes of it.

The Usual Stuff

Finally, if you’re at a party with a bartender, don’t be a dick. That bartender doesn’t want to be there. They aren’t having fun, they just want the night to be over. So all the normal bartender rules apply but magnified a hundredfold. Don’t hit on the bartender. Don’t touch the bartender. Know what you like when you order your drink. Don’t order some stupid shit like a Harvey Wallbanger [One of my favorites. – Ed.]. The usual.

The Good Stuff

That’s it for this entry, gang. And now to contradict my suggestion of keeping your shit together, I recommend at the stroke of midnight you follow the Letterkenny Christmas drink routine.

• One shot Irish whiskey
• One shot Canadian whisky
• One shot American whiskey